"We're" pregnant!

I ran into an old friend recently and when I asked after his wife his face lit up and he announced, “We’re pregnant!”

Really? You’re both pregnant? Or one of you is currently pregnant, but you intend to take turns carrying the sprog over the next nine months? Because the way I see it, unless a guy experiences endless weeks of nausea and toilet bowl hugging, unless his nipples expand to the size of yarmulkes, unless he regularly faints, or has heartburn, or gestational diabetes, or carpal tunnel syndrome… unless his hair thins, and resprouts in unwanted areas, unless his body continually expands until the inevitable day he pushes something the size of a watermelon out of his nether regions… Unless that happens, then seriously, drop the “we” because you’re not pregnant. If you were, you’d be on Oprah.

I hate this “we” trend when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. I’m yet to meet a man who has had an episiotomy. None of my male friends have experienced the delights of mastitis. I never once saw the father of my children expressing milk. As far as I’m concerned, apart from a small donation at the starting line… the whole pregnancy and birth experience was all mine. If I had a man who said things like, “we’re pregnant”… “we’d” have to kick his ass.

I read a celebrity interview recently where this dim-witted pinup boy proudly admitted that, “We went eighteen hours without an epidural.” Bless him, but unless his insides were turning to cement while a doctor regularly shoved a gloved hand up his arse… unless he sat on a bedpan, screaming blue murder, completely stripped of all dignity, while a dozen people he’d never met before walked in and out of the room… then I don’t really see how he was part of the experience.

I’d like to ban the use of “we” and return to the days when the more enlightened male admitted he didn’t have a clue, and instead said things like, “I really admire women” and “I don’t know how they do it” and “we men would never cope.”

And for those men who want to feel involved, go on full-time diaper duty once the baby is born, or be the one who always helps with homework… because as far as “we” can see… until then, there’s really nothing else you can do.