The Smug Bug

I’ve been sick, really sick. Doctors will tell you I have a virus, which obviously narrows the diagnosis right down (I just love doctors…). But I know for a fact that I’ve been hit with The Smug Bug. The Smug Bug is a violent illness that only ever attacks those smug bastards who say things like:
“Oh you’re sick? I never get sick.”
“I can’t remember the last time I got sick.”
“I have a hot lemon juice every morning… and I’m never sick.”

Yeah, well, never was shorter than expected and I’ve spent the past five days flat on my back with the distinct smell of sulphur in the air as hell beckoned. As I slipped in and out of consciousness, I realized I’d been guilty of smugness all winter. As everyone around me dropped like flies, I regularly tut-tutted, “I have a shot of apple cider vinegar every day… I never get sick.”

I actually can’t remember the last time I was this sick. I find illness annoying. I look after myself (I have apple bloody cider vinegar shots!) and I’m way too busy to spend a week in bed unless George Clooney is involved (or some other elderly silverback). But I’ve been so sick that I… didn’t even write! (Gasp!) Believe me, if I can’t write, if I have no desire to write… or even think about writing, then I might as well be dead. I’ve just endured five long days without writing a word. This blog is my comeback. This blog is to me what Pulp Fiction was to John Travolta… nothing short of a miracle. I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still barking more than Lassie when someone’s stuck down a well. But I’m here, at my computer… enough said.

I’m now going to take extra care to never get sick again. Obviously there are some high-risk areas in my life that must be dealt with. My kids for example. Children are like walking Petri dishes. They carry more germs than an abattoir floor. I’ve decided to install a Dettol shower at the entrance so the children can have a quick wash with disinfectant before they greet me each afternoon. Solved. Shaking hands is another danger zone, so no more of that. Everyone will think I’m Obsessive Compulsive, or rude, but at least I’ll be healthy. Tongue kissing strangers is also risky, but that only ever happens when I’m drunk, so I’ll just lay off the vodka for a while. (I’m so kidding… I haven’t kissed a stranger for at least two months. Just checking to see if you’re paying attention.) If I travel on public transport I’ll wear one of those fabby little masks the Japanese wear. (I miss Japan. The Japanese wear masks if they HAVE a cold, so they don’t pass it on to others. Respect.) Perhaps I’ll even carry a handgun and shoot anyone with a sniffle on sight. Better to be safe than sorry. I’m sure if I make these few small adjustments to my life, I’ll never have to suffer through the tortures of this type of illness again.

Finally, there’s one more thing I need to do. From now on, when someone mentions that they’ve been sick, I’ll nod sympathetically and keep my mouth shut. I won’t mention hot lemon juice, or apple cider vinegar, or my strong immune system. I won’t be smug. The evil arms of the Smug Bug stretch far and wide and I don’t want them ever embracing me again.